Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
