At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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