I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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