$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
