Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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