'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
