OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
