So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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