it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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