I have demons in me.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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