Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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