Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
