every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Can you bring me the toilet please
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
