Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
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New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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