I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
