They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I love you. Go after that dick
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
