i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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