Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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