My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
