if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
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just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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