Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
