chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
