The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
