Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
