I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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