Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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