He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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