the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
