I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
