I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
