i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
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i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
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Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Oh god it's open bar.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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