He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
