My girlfriend figured out who you are.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
How does it feel to date your dad?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
