I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
