i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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