I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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