if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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