it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
