If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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