I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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