is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
