You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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