Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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