I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
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I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
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There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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