and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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