i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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