Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
