I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
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Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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