come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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