Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
organizing the empties. That sober.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
