I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
