Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
