She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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