I wanna passion pit in your ass
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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