Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
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We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
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So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize