I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Michael Bay diarrhea
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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