dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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