hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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