i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
